In case you didn’t know, we’re supposed to be freaking out about robots taking over our jobs and lives.
Whatever. Here’s why I’m not buying it and neither should you:
1 | Self check out. Have you ever tried the self check-out at the grocery store? That’s a robot. AND THAT’S A FUCKING CAN OF BEANS ALREADY YA BIG DUMB ROBOT CAN I GET SOME ASSISTANCE OVER HERE?
2 | Bop It. I am masterfully good at Bop It. That is to say, I already regularly dominate at least one robot. I’m confident my Twist it! Flick it! Bop it! skills will keep me and my family alive.
3 | That rubik’s cube robot. Some nerds built a robot that can solve the rubik’s cube in one second. Yeah. Not impressed. Show me a robot that completes the rubik’s cube so fast we all go back in time. Meanwhile, lemme know how one-second rubik’s robot is better than this guy doing it WHILE HE FALLS FROM THE SKY.
4 | Kids. Is there a robot that can respond to an emergency 3 year old ass-wiping sesh mid-dinner? Artfully handle the double-whammy stomach bug barf fest? Where’s that robot, hmmm? WHERE’S THAT ROBOT?
5 | I know stuff. I know ALL kinds of stuff robots don’t know. Like, I know my daughter needs a white shirt for her chorus concert, and I know she doesn’t have one, and I know that the concert starts in 5 minutes. Get me a robot that can solve this problem and I will hold it and squeeze it and let it call me mommy.
6 | Cats and ducks. That Roomba vacuum thing is a robot. It’s supposed to conveniently clean your house so you have more time to build your anti-robot bunker. You know what happened to the Roomba? A cat in a shark costume and his duckling sidekick made that little robot their bitch.
7 | Cooking. How many “quick and easy weeknight nutritious casseroles that your kids will love” can a robot make? ZERO. Trust me. Here’s a robot cooking:
8 | Automatic hand dryers. How’s that Dyson automatic hand-dryer situation going? You know –the one that’s so futuristic and sanitary, but is actually just DISGUSTING and DEAFENING. Hey, Mr. Dyson Guy: THERE’S A REASON I DON’T STAND NEXT TO JET ENGINES.
9 | Auto-flush toilets. Speaking of bathroom robots: how’s the auto-flush toilet working out? Shift to grab a little TP and that toilet robot will try to SUCK YER SOUL RIGHT OUT YER BUNGER. And when you actually need the flush? NOTHING. Radio silence. So now you gotta kick your foot up in some kind of toilet-flushing yoga-karate move and hope you hit the little button on the first try cuz you just pulled your hamstring and what I’m saying is, ROBOTS WILL LET YOU DOWN.
10 | Robots can’t do my job. You see what I’m doing here? Right now? My job. This is my job. No one wants a robot doing this important work. A robot could replace your bum knee — not a prob. A robot can feed a snake-like camera up your colon and take some selfies with a polyp. That’s cool. But making these lists? NO. This is a delicate and important humans-only situation. Humans and/or this obviously prolific freelance cat.