12 Important Life Secrets Not Revealed in the Panama Papers

11.5 million secret files leaked and not one of them contains any information about where you put your car keys.

1 || Where your freaking car keys are. (Check the fridge.)

2 || Where your left your damn phone. (Check the bed.)

3 || The value of your offshore account. Because it’s zero. Because you don’t have one.

4 || What sort of terrible trauma drove Hootie & The Blowfish into country music.

5 || Why minivans have built-in, state-of-the-art movie theaters, but you still can’t get one with a privacy screen fully separating you from your numb-nuts kids at the touch of a button.

 6 || That, in an unexpected plot twist, Putin is actually a philanthropist/helluva guy who generously paid off all your debts AND bought you a lifetime supply of excellent health care coverage.

7 || How it’s possible that Carrot Top has more fame and money than you ever will. (But how, though?)

8 || Why any of us ever tolerated Caillou. Like, even for one single second.

9 || Why texting and driving is illegal, but it’s still legal to drive and tweeze your billy-goat chin hairs.

10 || Who, in fact, let the dogs out.

11 || Where you hid that copy of Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret you stole in 7th grade.

12 || Why the name of this scandal doesn’t end in -gate, like a proper scandal should. WHY ISN’T CALLED PANAMA PAPERS-GATE? WHY?!

Pssst. Here’s a taste of the 11.5 million secret files that have been revealed: Panama Papers

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