Some people want to swim with crocodiles or skydive from a private jet or bungee jump from a skyscraper before they kick the bucket.

My list includes things I would like to achieve before our toddler reaches school age. They are less dramatic, but no less unlikely to ever occur. They are as follows, in no particular order:

  • Get through a meal time during which more food ends up in his mouth than on his clothes/on the table/on the carpet
  • Leave a children’s play area without having to drag toddler away, kicking and screaming, like a farmer wrestling an agitated goat
  • Experience an entire day without having to pretend to eat plastic food or drink pretend tea from a plastic teacup
  • Enjoy a relaxing beach holiday with cocktails and a pool, or just any relaxing holiday, anywhere, ever, or even just do anything relaxing whatsoever for more than five minutes
  • Take a piss without being watched and commented upon
  • Convince little one to wear a hat or hood in freezing cold temperatures
  • Enjoy food without having to donate a decent portion of it to little one, or hide in a cupboard to avoid detection, like a tedious burglar
  • From the time of toddler entry, keep living room tidy for more than 20 minutes (seeing more than 25 percent of the floor would be acceptable)
  • Living an entire day without seeing Peppa Pig, Blaze, Ryder, or Dora as I already know every word of every episode
  • Going shopping and actually buying what I intended to buy rather than chasing little one around the store and buying whatever is closest to me out of desperation
  • Put up Christmas decorations without them being prodded, fondled, crushed, pulled apart, or destroyed
  • Take little one to see Father Christmas without him suddenly becoming super shy (despite being desperate to see him) and clinging to my leg as Santa tries to give him a present or make conversation
  • Do a few DIY projects without toddler attempting to screw and/or saw things with real life sharp tools
  • Spend less than three hours per day pushing toy cars around the floor
  • Calling my other half something other than ‘Mummy’ and my own mum something other than ‘Nanny’
  • Go clothes shopping for me and actually purchase something other than toddler clothes because they all look sooooooooooo adorable
  • Eat in a restaurant in a calm, enjoyable fashion, rather than throwing as much food as possible down my throat between sprints after little one as he runs off toward open fires and doors
  • Say ‘Careful, son’ fewer than 50 times per hour, all day, every day
  • Wake up when my body tells me to instead of to the sounds of ‘DADDY, I’M AWAKE!!!’ times 100
  • Have enough free time to complete a list of 20 things in one sitting…

I know it’s unlikely I will ever achieve these stretching goals, but I think it’s important to have something to aim for. After all, if I shoot for the moon, I may just reach a star one day!

What’s on your parenting bucket list? And what are the chances you’ll ever achieve it?