So. Um. Hello. We’ve been working hard here at Parent Co. And in our digital travels, we’ve noticed an interesting trend: new products and uses for your vagina. We want to help. We want to educate. That’s why we rounded up this list.
No, it’s cool. Take a minute. Get yourself a drink.
Ready? Ok. Here’s we go:
1 | Give your vagina a great sound system!
(No. She’s saying no.)
Manufactured by Babypod, the speaker was developed to help fetal development.
The company says the product is backed by scientific research. “Babies learn to speak in response to sound stimuli, especially melodic sound. With Babypod, babies learn to vocalise from the womb.”
Yeah baby does. Baby says: Hey, hit the equalizer already! I KEEP TRYING TO TELL YOU ALICIA KEYS IS NOT A SOPRANO.
Here’s a little plot twist: because the speaker is controlled by an app on your phone but doesn’t use wi-fi, baby’s parents will have to share the listening experience using “split headphones that hang out of the vagina.”
UGH, HONEY, I CAN’T FIND THE VAGINA HEADPHONES!
2 | Get your vagina high!
WAIT A MINUTE. So, it’s legal for me to get high, just not through my mouth?
In most states, yes. Yes, that’s correct.
“The capsule is a small, cocoa butter-based insert that is being marketed as a pain reliever for women’s menstrual cramps. THC works by targeting the nerves to “block out pain,” while CBD acts as an anti-inflammatory and as an antispasmodic by treating muscle spasms that occur from menstruation and ovulation.”
I have no idea what we’ll do when our lady business gets the munchies. Pretty sure we’re gonna need a follow-up product. Liiiike, vaginal nachos! Hmm. Sorta sounds like that requires an antibiotic.
C’MON I’M SORRY.
3 | Detox your vagina with potpourri aromatherapy!
When I heard “vaginal potpourri,” my first thought was: why would I want my V to smell like Grandma’s house? WHY? It already smells better than leftover Christmas.
But word is, you can use an herbal steam to detox your yoni. Medical doctors will probably tell you that your business is a “self-cleaning oven” and detoxing is not necessary.
You can do what you want though, cuz you’re a grown woman. Some ladies even get together and make a little party out of it. I prefer my parties to have slightly different vibe but girl, you go get that!
Important sidenote: if you want to do the herbal potpourri vaginal detox thing, it’s inadvisable to use the gauze-wrapped pods intended to remain in place for several days. Why? Toxic shock syndrome.
NO, I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT MY NEW PUNK BAND.
4 | Give your vagina six-pack abs and giant pectoral muscles!
Jade Eggs are pretty much just that. Highly polished little eggs made of real jade. They’re so pretty you could put them in a bowl on your coffee table.
But they’re not for that. Nope. They’re for putting in your biz and lifting with your biz muscles.
It’s a workout program for your vagina! And for good reason: stronger pelvic muscles means less incontinence and more sexual enjoyment.
So, get yourself a new Fabeletics ensemble, get out your credit card, and order ALL the eggs.
5 | Earn a black belt in vaginal Kung-Fu!
Kim Anami has been practicing vaginal martial arts for years, claiming that training the muscles to lift increasingly more weight is the best thing you can do for your physical, mental, and sexual health.
Anami travels all over the world lifting everything with her pelvic floor. Seriously, she lifts EVERYTHING: coconuts, pineapples, surfboards, elephants, the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
(You’re prob gonna wanna check my sources on those last two.)
I’m no expert, but I’m gonna guess this is NOT a thing you try drunk at a party for the first time. It’s a slow and steady practice of motivating to hit the vaginal gym every day.
Or like, maybe every other day.
Or maybe every third day cuz, you know: legs day, arms day, vag day.
K. Thanks. Bye.