Oversharenting, Dad-bod, manny, mommy-jacking- it seems like everyday, someone is creating a new word for parents to add to their lexicon. So far, I’ve had little to no use for most of them. (Also, “dad bod” is not a thing. So let’s just knock that off right now.)
And yet, I agree that sometimes there just isn’t a word to cover your needs.
Even my personal savior, Tina Fey, agrees.
“I was a little excited but mostly blorft. “Blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.”
With her spirit in mind, I’ve concocted a few to fill my personal needs.
Take it away, Tina.
Achrehensive (adj.) The nervous, tingly feeling you get in your ankles when walking along your skateboarding/scootering/bike riding child knowing they’re going to smash into you any second.
“I love that my kid wants to ride her scooter everywhere, but walking with her makes my ankles achrehensive.”
Tranquwarity (adj.) Suspicious silence. Maybe they’re reading. Maybe they’re emptying the contents of the spice cabinet into the toilet to make a “potion”.
“I haven’t heard the kids in 20 minutes, and I’d totally sit here and fart around on the internet, but the tranquwarity is making me nervous. I should make sure they’re not painting the walls with vaseline.”
Eighty-Sneak (v.) Smuggling kid paraphernalia out of the house to donate or dispose of.
“Emma is looking for that god-awful second rate Barbie doll with the freakishly disproportionate body and creepily huge eyes. Have you seen it?”
“Honey, I eighty-sneaked that thing out of here the day after Christmas. Distract her with a popsicle.”
Apathite (n.) A lack of desire for food and drink, most often taken personally by parents
“Billy used to be such a good eater. Suddenly all he has is an apathite. He just pushes his food around and eats basically nothing. It’s driving me insane.”
Metamomphosis (n.) the complete change of form from child-free woman to mother.
“Earlier in my life, I never could have imagined sitting around a table of women discussing the details of a person coming out of my vagina. That was before my metamomphosis. Oh my god. What has become of me?”
Napathetic (adj.) sympathy toward one’s need for a nap.
“Oliver was a total monster when we were leaving playgroup today, but the other moms were totally napathetic.”
Maidriarch (n.) a woman who cleans up after all the members of her family
“My kids think I’m here to keep track of all their crap AND clean up after them. I’m totally the maidriarch of our house.”
Whinery (n.) Any establishment in which whining is taking place.
“Every day at 5:30 my house turns into a total whinery. And not the kind I’d like.”