Look, parents, it won’t be long before your kids come home with a pillowcase full of candy. Do you have a game-day strategy? Do you know which candy you’ll demand from your kids in return for giving them the gift of life? Well, do you?!

No. No, you don’t. You need to pull your shit together, and familiarize yourself with what’s about to happen. You need to understand what kind of sugary crack is about to make your late night binge watching way more fun.

You need to understand the candy.

AIRHEADS: Weak name. Strong Candy.

ALMOND JOY: Eat it. You’re an adult now.

BUTTERFINGER: One of the four major food groups along with Sandwich, Cow, and Jungle. *source: Bart Simpson

CANDY CORN: Not candy. Not corn. Pairs nicely with melancholy.

CHARLESTON CHEW: And chew. And chew. And chew. And chew. And chew. BREAKING NEWS: you’re still chewing.

CIRCUS PEANUTS: Because life is hard.

GOOD & PLENTY: Not that good and one is plenty.

GUMMY BEARS: Innovative use of industrialized feedlot by-products. Because gummy candy is made outta bones. It’s not gross, it’s a goddamned miracle.

GUMMY LIFESAVERS: Hey, let’s take a reasonably good candy and make it TERRIBLE.

KIT KAT: Because fractions.

LAFFY TAFFY: No laffy though, just taffy. Because now your jaw is sealed shut.

MILKY WAY: Snickers, now without the protein!

MIKE & IKE: Hey Mike? Yeah, Ike? Let’s hang out and make mediocre candy.


NERDS: Put the open end of the box in your mouth. Tilt head back as needed.

PENNIES: Hey, I don’t know what to do with mine either, ok? But you know what I’m not doing? Traumatizing your kids with the promise of candy only to give them the sad remains of a nearly irrelevant currency.

PIXY STIX: Why bother making the sugar into candy?

POP ROCKS: Still not gonna kill you.

REESE’S PIECES: Comes with adorable alien. Might have a Jesus complex. Wants to use your phone.

SKITTLES: When you find them under the passenger seat six months from now, they’ll still be fresh. Eat them.


SUGAR DADDY: …is what you’ll need to pay the dental bill when you’re done
swallowing your own teeth.

THREE MUSKETEERS: Named for the bandits who stole the nuts and the caramel.

TOOTHBRUSH: Might as well give out eggs to throw at your house.

TWIX: For when you can’t decide if you want a cookie, or a candy bar, or a cookie. Or candy. Or a candy cookie bar. Cookie candy. Bar.

TWIZZLERS: Plastic bouquet. Full-bodied sugary wax. Oily mouthfeel.

WHATCHAMACALLIT: Did they fire the guy who named this candy bar? You had one job, guy. To figure out WHAT TO CALL IT.