We all joke about how there's no instruction manual for parenting, and we desperately wish there was. The closest thing is the internet – that all-powerful, dispenser of knowledge we look to for all our parenting questions.
We think: I wish someone had warned me that parenting would be so hard. And really, everyone warns us, but just like we don't read the disclaimers we see in fine print, or listen as they're listed on commercials, we're probably not paying attention.
But assuming that we did read disclaimers, wouldn’t it be nice if children came with some? Since they don't, I've compiled my own list of disclaimers that I believe apply to children, as much as they apply to the products with which they're actually associated.
Maybe if I had a list like this prior to having kids, I would've thought much more seriously about using protection.
Leakage from multiple orifices at any time, mostly when you least expect it. Leakage may end up in your face.
Aren’t newborns so adorable? Then they grow, and make messes so disastrous a hurricane would be envious.
No wonder I can’t hear – it's a direct result of having screaming kids.
Or breathe, or make any sudden movements near a sleeping baby. It will wake up and scream. See #3 above.
Sorry, you’re stuck with the kid you created.
Little bodies, little emotions, and little minds require non-stop care.
Ain’t that the truth?
Slow to wake, slow to get their shoes on, slow to put away their toys, slow to eat their broccoli.
No guarantees, sucker. Enjoy your monster! Er, I mean creation.
Also, proceed with trepidation, anxiety, and low finances.
Babies are small. Don’t lose them!
Or they might turn into Gremlins. Never mind, they already are Gremlins.
You pay in blood, my friend. You pay in sweat and tears. The other costs are your freedom, your sanity, and your sex life.
No batteries for this model. Kids are fueled by consuming insane amounts of food and their parents broken dreams.
Kids will burn your life to the ground.
Without warning, and just when you think you have a handle on them, kids turn into a completely different person – mood swings and all.
I wish I had been given this disclaimer before baby making.
You wish! Ha!
That’s what therapy is for, folks!
Is it? I though it was DNA. Or maybe it's just bad luck.