5 Lies About Fall We All Need to Stop Believing
September 23, 2016
The crunch of fallen leaves. The crisp autumn air. The canopy of trees above, ablaze in oranges and reds. I know, I know. It's all so romantic, so gorgeous, so snuggly.
But c'mon. Fall needs to check itself just a little bit:
1 | Crock pot meals.
More like crock of deception, am I right?
How about stop trying to convince me that I love cold weather with your list of 100 easy crock pot meals, ok? I’m not stupid, they’re ALL chili. It’s ALWAYS chili. Doesn’t matter what you put in your crock pot, it comes out as chili.
Crock pot cashew chicken? SURPRISE! It’s chili.
2 | Corn mazes.
After a long afternoon in a corn maze with our kids, I mentioned to another mom that maybe it wasn’t really my favorite activity. She helpfully suggested that I hadn’t fully embraced the experience.
I'm sorry, didn’t embrace the experience?! Oh, I think I DID embrace the experience when I paid $60 to be lost in a fucking corn field for three hours.
Hello? Do you know what’s in corn fields? Two things:
The Children of the Corn. Have you seen them? They’re not well. They want me dead. Update: they want you dead too.
Aliens. And what are they doing there? Making crop circles. Why are they doing this? TO SHOW OTHER ALIENS HOW TO GET TO YOUR HOUSE.
3 | Geese flying south.
Have you seen these migratory shenanigans? As I write, 7000 of them are gathering in your grandmother’s backyard to spend four days honking like it’s the apocalypse before they shit themselves and peace out. It’s like Burning Man for geese.
Geese are definitely the frat bros of the ornithology world: Hey, dude, hey. Can you drive? I’m still tripping. But that goose at the head of the V? He may be sober, but he’s also lost. Seriously. Pay attention ... 67% of the time that those birds not even flying south.
Fun fact: if one goose is hurt, another goose friend will stay behind and nurse it back to health with herbal tea and Real Housewives reruns. That’s sweet, right? Right. Lemme tell you something: if my kid breaks his leg just before we go to Miami, I’m still going to Miami.
4 | Pumpkin Carving
Pumpkin muffins are good. Pumpkin bread? Also good. Pumpkin seeds. Yum. Pumpkin smoothies? No. Pumpkin lattes? Stop it. Pumpkin pie? If you enjoy a dessert that resembles soft puppy poo in both texture and color, it’s the best!
But, pumpkin carving? LIES.
Your kids will tell you they want to carve pumpkins. They don’t. They want to mainline Halloween candy 31 days pre-game while YOU carve a moonlit silhouette of The Avengers into a freakishly large fruit. That’s right, it’s FRUIT.
Spoiler alert: pumpkin carving is you drunk and crying on your cat-hair-covered kitchen floor, elbow deep in slime, failing spectacularly.
5 | Apple Picking
Apple picking has gotta be the most popular white people activity ever. Right up there with having head lice and getting poison ivy.
White folks pick apples for an important cause: to earn cider donuts. But wait. It turns out you don’t have to pick the apples to get the cider donuts!
No sir! You can just go to your nearest cider mill-orchard situation and stuff your face with a dozen little sugar-coated-love-cakes without ever picking anything, not even your thong wedgie.
No labor, just donuts.
Do you know what apple picking, using cloth diapers, and making homemade baby food have in common? They all belong together in a category called: things I don't have to do.
You know what isn’t a lie? Winter. Winter is coming. Break out your Uggs and your Xanax. Shit’s about to get real.