Night Diary: 11/14/15, New York

by ParentCo. December 10, 2015

4:49pm: We’re going back. It’s getting dark. Robin is sitting in his stroller. Jody, I think, is breathing on my chest. I don’t know much about this city, but I call it a home anyway.

We go a block. All around us, the adults look worried it’s dark. All around us, adults look worried we can’t see swings swing. 5:03pm: It’s dark. We’re at the stoop performing our performance. I prop the door with my heel while I pull the stroller up the stoop. I shift my bag with my back while I close the mailbox with my elbow. I charade. I dance, while Robin feels his way up the stone steps with his hands. He finds a rock, cuts his finger, then cries. He sits on a stoop, holds his finger, and cries. It’s dark. Jody breathes. 5:14pm: We’re inside and everything falls to the ground. I smell the trash. I know the dishes. I turn on the radio. Robin’s already touched everything. 6pm: We’re like a circus, just worse and less organized. Robin pushes a scooter backwards into the couch. A book on planes falls down. Robin wants his bike, gets his bike, then doesn’t want his bike anymore. Robin sings. And Jody cries. Jody cries in a circle as his chair spins. In our home at night, Jody rides a ride. I stop in the minute for a minute. I think: I’m washing a beet. I’m peeling the skin off a beet that Robin won’t eat later. And the skin stains my hands, but I don’t stain anything. I know something. 6:15pm: I wash Robin’s hands. Robin’s already touched everything. 7pm: Robin thinks he’s eating, but Robin doesn’t eat anything. He pushes food to a corner of a boat-shaped plate. He pours water overboard. And on the news, I hear things. Something’s happening. Outside, swings swing. 7:11pm: I’m in the other room folding Jody’s clothes in a line. I line Jody’s folded clothes in a line and then I think, I can control things. I turn on the light in their room and therefore night is not happening. 7:15pm: I wash Robin’s hands. But Robin’s already touched everything. 7:30pm: We’re in the bath and it’s the same. I sit, hunched, and Robin plays. I take a wet cloth and find his face. On his hand, that stoop cut from earlier. On the other, another. I used to think, when he was born, he wouldn’t bruise. I actually used to think if I watched him good enough he wouldn’t bruise. And now, he cuts his finger on a stoop and cries. It’s getting dark. He’s a boy. He sits on a stoop and cries. And I’m not watching him. The other day at the park he said something to me. I couldn’t hear him. I saw his mouth move but I wasn’t listening. Good enough. I think. He’s getting away from me. 8:03pm: It’s dark. 8:30pm: Da’s home and we watch TV. For an hour, Da and I pretend we don’t think. Something’s happening. 10:16pm: Jody cries. Jody’s crying. I have a mind. I think. Jody cries. Jody’s crying. He’s crying and crying and crying. I have a mind. I think. 12:30am: Outside, someone shuts a car door. Outside, someone says something. 1:15am: Someone shuts a door. Someone says something. Robin says something to me. It’s dark. I’m not listening. He’s a boy. He cries. I’m not listening. 3:50am: We’ve been asleep. In one room, someone’s chest moves. In another, another. We are not in sync, but we do breathe. I have something. Robin’s already touched everything.


ParentCo.

Author



Also in Conversations

new born and young girl in bed
Coming Home from the NICU Is Hard, and That's Okay

by Jodi Klaristenfeld

It's absolutely normal to question yourself: “Am I ready to take my baby home? Can I do this?” YES, you can! Your journey does not end now that your child is home.

Continue Reading

girl on a red phone
Fun Ways to Raise a Master Conversationalist

by ParentCo.

You want to make sure your children will talk to you about everything, even the not-so-good stuff. So, how do we do it? Here's kid communication 101.

Continue Reading

boy holding his mother
7 Ways to Manage Your Kids' Anxiety

by ParentCo.

Anxiety is a symptom of an active mind. The key is pointing that mind power in a positive direction. Here are some tips and techniques that might help. 

Continue Reading