Parenting Courses I'd Actually Sign Up For
When I was halfway through my first pregnancy, my midwife gave me a list of suggested birthing classes. I had done some research on different methods of getting people out of your body, and decided that hypnobirthing sounded promising. However, for one reason or another, I kept putting off making the call to register. We didn't have a lot of money, and the thought of sitting inside for two gorgeous summer weekends talking about the impending annihilation of my sensitive areas was just not my idea of a good time.
As I dragged my heels, the start date came and went. My husband, while equally thankful for free weekends, was nervous that I was opting to go into this cold. He had already extended the olive branch enough to agree to a homebirth. I was pushing him well out of the comfort zone.
"Listen. Do you think cave women gave up full weekends and grocery money to learn how to give birth? Or that our kid is going to refuse to come out until sit in a circle for 24 hours humming and deep breathing with strangers? This baby is coming out any way you look at it. I've read a few books. I'm good."
Since day one, I've thought it best to simply trust my instincts when it comes to parenting. I'd rather put my energy into the actual processes than collect information from people who don't necessarily know more than I do, and sort out what works. Just cut out the middle man. However, now that I've been a parent for 9+ years, I've identified several classes that I would actually sign up for.
Picking Your Battles 101
Learn how to parent more effectively by not sweating the small stuff. From toddlers to teens, we'll give you the tools you need to determine how much energy, if any, should be given to the everyday child-rearing skirmishes. Find the line between arbitrary and steadfast rules, and ways to implement the ones that work.
Lessons include "You're Wearing That
?", "Beige is Not a Food Group", "The Bills Don't Pay Themselves", and "No One Makes Good Choices When They're Hungry".
Superglue and Duct Tape: How to Fix Anything
Kids can find a way to break basically anything. Usually by accident, but occasionally on purpose, and often times more than once a day. Whether you're attempting to avoid tears over a busted toy, or trying to salvage your favorite mug that you told your kid not to use in the first place, we'll coach you through some of the most common fixes and expand the realm of possibility.
This course has nothing to do with "mom jeans" and mini van acquisition.
We're talking the look-
the patented parental stare down that sends the message that you are unequivocally NOT PLAYING AROUND. The one your parents threw at you with the heat of a thousand fiery suns when you started acting a fool in the middle of a public place. The one they shot into the back seat of the Chrysler Town & Country that pierced your soul and maybe, just maybe if the situation was serious enough, made you pee your pants a little. That one.
While it's possible to learn to deploy this effective tactic on older children, it is best to hone the skill when they're still too little to make you mad. Don't worry. Eventually they will.
Benefits of the Course:
78% of parents who take this course have reported they no longer have to "count to three", "make empty threats" or "do something irrational and flat out stupid like revoke screen privileges one day before a hellbeast of a winter storm dumps three feet of snow and with an arctic wind chill of -7".
Taught by reformed Mob Boss, Salvatore Napolitano.
Throwing Art Away Without Feeling Guilty or Getting Caught
There's nothing that makes you feel like something you scrape off the bottom of a shoe, quite like a child rifling through the recycling and finding the 47 metric tons of finger painting you tried to smuggle out of the house.
In this course you will learn how to make the definitive call on what goes and what stays, fun and easy ways to display the stuff that doesn't look like they made it with their butts, and why you aren't damaging them by refusing to live like a candidate for Hoarders: Kid Art Edition