Here we are in Rio, getting ready for one of the most highly esteemed sports here at the 2016 Games.
Taking her place in the toddler heat of the Breastfeeding Olympics we have Juno of Waihi, New Zealand. Surely she’ll prove to be a legend in her time.
Juno marks out her target, nipples undetected by her peers, hidden under layers of clothing. She starts off with a leap, speeding towards the goal, signaling her intent with a greedy smacking of lips, clenching and unclenching of outstretched fists.
Juno crushes the distance between herself and her mother’s breasts. She’s but a blur across the playground, ascending small mountains of sand, elbowing human obstacles out of the way, landing into her mother’s lap with a vigor that gives her a clear advantage.
This is what winners are made of!
In just moments, we’ve witnessed the critical difference between an Olympian and a mere human – TOTAL DEDICATION. Nothing steers these athletes off course.
Of course, like most sports, there’s a team to think of here and Juno makes sure that her teammates – My Little Pony, lego Knight, and fluffy lamb – all get a turn at exercising their nursing prowess.
We move on to the time trials now as Juno shows just how seriously she takes the Olympic motto of faster, higher, stronger.
She hurtles in for a slurp, lasting just seconds before running back to her friends. Moments later she’s back, with yet another momentary tug, another sip and a even a squirt high into the air, for good measure.
And WHAT’S THIS?! Back for a third time in 5 minutes! This time showing true dexterity by nursing upside down whilst climbing over her mother’s shoulder.
The excitement is unbearable as we head into the all-important endurance phase.
Juno steers quickly away from her triumph in the time trials and, as we head into the night, she reveals exactly how superior her perseverance is. This tiny mite is a GIANT when it comes to breastfeeding non-stop throughout the period when mere mortals must sleep.
In the final round, Juno assures her reign by going all out in the multi-tasking phase. She steams ahead of the other competitors by nursing AND counting her toes AND honking her mother’s nose AND singing Old MacDonald Had a Farm.
In this round, we get a brief insight into just how critical an athlete’s equipment is, as nipples are stretched, pulled, stamped on, and knelt on in a keen display of versatility and strength.
AND SHE HAS DONE IT!
The champion of the world! The winner of the Breastfeeding Olympics, Juno Bear of Waihi.
These are dizzying heights for a toddler of such humble origins. Juno truly is the embodiment of Rio’s slogan, “Live Your Passion.”