Determination

by ParentCo. October 21, 2017

Chess Pawn Standing That Make A Shadow Of Queen

This is a submission in our monthly contest. October’s theme is Determination. What a mundane word: determination. Used so casually to describe the driving force behind menial tasks. “Sure took a lot of determination to carry all those groceries in by yourself.” To me, determination means so much more. Sometimes determination is all you have. Daylight breaks, warm rays of sun fall on your bed and face. Your eyes open and, for a moment, just a moment, you feel at peace. Pain. Pain hits you like a truck. It doesn’t trickle in from a tap, it pours in from a waterfall. You can feel it everywhere. As it sinks in, saturating your hopes for the day, your ambitions, your solitude, it meets a wall. This wall is my determination not to let chronic pain steal my day. Lists and lists of things that must be done…. Doctor appointments to book, parent and teacher interviews to arrange, bills to pay, a house to clean, dogs to walk, cats to feed, an Individual Program Plan to review, exams to study for, Low Vision and Autism information sites to read, and I will probably have to pee a few times. Did I take my meds? Give my son his meds? I must have. I do it twice a day, every day. There is the pain, still there, eating at me. Eight things off the list. Have I sat down yet? What can I postpone? I will get through this day. My pain won’t destroy me. I have unending determination. Made it. Sort of. I am behind on my chores, phone calls, studies, writing, marketing, health, and organization of a future for my little family. Me and my boys. We have a happy place in this world. We are finding our way. There are extracurricular and volunteering activities to attend to. That’s fun. Busy, but fun. We have colleges to look at, plans to make, and upcoming holidays. Terrifying, but fun. I can fit in my medical appointments, surgeries, and exams. Somewhere. As long as my son’s shunt doesn’t malfunction, as long as he doesn’t have a seizure, or my truck doesn’t break down, or…. I am determined to not let those things happen and have even more determination to handle them when they do. The day is moving quickly. A few new symptoms. What’s that about? My son had a headache at school and his aide was being “mean.” But hey, we are down to four headaches a week. That’s great news. No homework? Even better. Let’s cook together. Life skills for the future, boys! Plus, it’s fun. A bit hard to peel sweet potato when your back feels burned by stabbing hot pokers and your foot is half dead. Even more difficult to cook, make lunches, feed and walk dogs, deal with paperwork, and organize showers when you have more knots in your muscles than a lobster trap and the pain-induced nausea drowns your thoughts. Let’s do this. My determination will see me through. Finally, time to sleep. I hope I can sleep. The hours before I drift off are for reflecting, clenching the pain aside, taking mental inventory of coping resources: I kept my temper, didn’t lose my patience, listened to stories of grand dreams, computer games, Sci-fy books, girls, and heard a bit of bickering, of course. Smiles, laughter, stories, that’s what its all about. Goals, dreams, ambitions, that’s what it’s all for. Maybe I will get my degree, go back to work full time, become an accomplished author. Maybe my son will become the biologist and fabulous family man that he hopes to be, and possibly my other son will receive all the external supports he will require to be an independent adult and marry a movie star.... We will have bumps along the way. Chronic illness does that to you. But we have made it this far. We know a little determination goes a long way. And it carries all the groceries in, too.


ParentCo.

Author



Also in Conversations

prego expo
Connecting a Global Village of Parents at Prego Expo

by Hannah Howard

Parenting is a million times better when we’re together. At Prego Expo, the community that we work so hard to nurture online came together irl—and it was remarkable.

Continue Reading

Benefits of Taking a Digital Detox Weekend
Benefits of Taking a Digital Detox Weekend

by Jack Shaw

If you feel a little guilty, it may be time for a family screen-free weekend. There are many benefits of a digital detox. Here's how to give it a try.

Continue Reading

mother holding kid hand teaching chopping tomato
The Meal Planning Routine that Feeds my Family Week after Week

by Katelyn Denning

Your meal-planning routine has the potential for a large return on investment. Here are a few universal steps that hold the key to a successful meal-planning.

Continue Reading