Having a newborn can be tricky. Primarily because at first glance (and perhaps second, third, and fourth glances) newborns don’t seem to do a lot of anything. Not only do they not move around much or talk, newborns are even really terrible at holding their own heads up. Heck, I’m pretty sure I heard that newborns don’t even know that their hands and feet belong to them or something. So what are you supposed to do when you’re in charge of someone who has no neck strength and can’t even figure out where/what their limbs are?
Lucky for you, I’ve been through the newborn stage three times now (four, if you count my own) and I’ve come up with a solid list of fun activities for you and your new bundle of joy to bond over.
Take her places where you know the people, but not that well. Like your older child’s preschool or the Starbucks you always go to. Walk in all casual and then be like “Blammo! I’ve got a new human.” Sit back and revel in everyone’s amazement.
Dress her in obvious boy clothes. Then take her to the store or something and get really indignant when people call her a boy. If you have a boy, do the reverse.
Watch HGTV for like seven hours straight while holding her. If anyone asks you to do something else just say “I can’t, I’m busy holding the baby right now.”
Sleep when she sleeps. Commit to this classic piece of advice with great vigor. In other words, commit to it with the relentlessness of that squirrel with the white tail in your backyard trying to topple the bird feeder. Get approximately 20 hours of sleep per day.
Buy one of those machines that makes nature sounds. Use it so much that she grows up thinking that you live beside the ocean and a babbling brook and that it rains every night.
Change her poopy diaper. Three minutes later when she poops again, change her diaper again. During this change, when she starts pooping again, catch it with a third diaper. Repeat every four hours.
When she is sleeping in her bassinet in your bedroom, fling the bedroom door open and casually flick on the lights because you forgot she existed.
Ask if an acquaintance wants to hold her, and when they reach over to take her from you shout, “Don’t touch her!”
Walk around in public carrying her and wait for strangers to congratulate you for some reason.
Watch her sleep and feel your heart breaking with indescribable feelings as the minutes slowly slip away.
This article was previously published on Medium.com