Toddler: No, I don’t want you to get coffee!

You: Well, I didn’t want you to use your hands to cover yourself with dirt right before we left, but you did that anyway didn’t you?


Toddler: Daddy! Were you even listening to me?

You: No. It doesn’t feel so great does it?


Toddler: The baby is too loud for my ears!

You: Ha! That’s pretty rich coming from you.

Toddler: TOO LOUD!

Toddler: I don’t like you to say that!

You: Welcome to my life.

Toddler: I’m taking off my shoes!!

Toddler: I want you to go outside!

You: I want you to listen to me for once.

Toddler: OUTSIDE!!

Toddler: I want a cookie!

You: Hmm, last time I checked, cookies weren’t a breakfast food, so no.

Toddler: I’m putting this pencil on the floor!

Toddler: Turn on all the lights!

You: It’s 4 a.m. The only light you need is your night light so you can go back to sleep.

Toddler: It’s too bright.

You: The night light is too bright, but all the other lights in the house provide just the right amount of illumination? Seems legit.

Toddler: I’m closing my eyes!

Toddler: I want to watch Daniel Tiger!

[You check cable guide]

You: Sorry, it’s not on right now.

Toddler: It’s on Netflix!

[You check Netflix]

You: No, it’s not.

Toddler: Yes, it is!

[You check Amazon]

Toddler: There it is! I told you it was in Netflix!

You: Joke’s on you, dude. It was on Amazon, not Netflix. Nice try though.

Toddler: Ha-ha. Told you so!