When we talk about rape and sexual assault, too often we talk only about the victims – whether to blame them, or how to help them, to tell them it’s not their fault, or to warn them who they should be alert about. If we do mention the perpetrators, it’s to talk about what we do with them after the fact and (rightly) hold them responsible for their crimes. But if we want to prevent sexual assaults, then we, the parents, teachers and citizens, have a responsibility to our boys to have a much more uncomfortable conversation. When I hear or think “she’s somebody’s sister, mother, daughter” I am met with the disquieting but true response “and he’s somebody’s son…”

On one of the online communities I’m a member of, another woman pointed out to me: Ask a man “Would you rape a woman?” and you don’t find many who’ll say yes. Ask him “Would you have sex with a woman so drunk she could barely stand?” and you suddenly find what guys will admit to.

Which is why I have written this, the list of 10 things I hope to teach my son, 10 things that I hope will help him to respect women and to be a member of a society that works from every angle to prevent rape and sexual assault.

1 | No means no

It’s obvious, right? It’s the one we’ve all heard. Still, nothing wrong with getting back to basics. If they say no, that doesn’t mean “I’m playing hard to get” or “convince me.” That means no.

2 | Give her an opportunity to say yes

The absence of “no” does not equal “yes.” If a girl is too drunk to stand, she’s probably too drunk to clearly indicate to you that she doesn’t want you doing that. The night I lost my virginity, the words from my then-boyfriend’s mouth were “are you sure?” It’s a good line! Use it! Ask if she’s sure she wants to do it, because, a) it gives her the chance to very clearly and definitively say yes or no and, b) it shows her one more time that she’s making the choice to be with someone who respects her.

3 | Hand stuff counts

It doesn’t matter if it’s a penis, a finger, a vagina, or a mouth, there is no hierarchy here. It’s a violation of her body, it’s a sexual crime, and it’s wrong. You want to do it, you need consent.

4 | Refer to women by their names

If you don’t know their names, don’t talk about them. If you want to discuss her bum, her legs, her clothing, or any other thing about her that happens to turn you on or off, you’d better know who she is first. Because she’s a person, and it will be a person telling you they don’t want to go any further, not a pair of breasts.

5 | If you think you need help, ask for it

You hear it from the mouths of uncles convicted of raping their teenage nieces, of priests convicted of assaulting children, of serial rapists who attack strangers. “I’m sick. I needed help.” I hate to think about it and I really hope you’re not one of them, but some people in the world will be sick. They will need help. And nobody is going to give it to them, nobody is going to know that they need help unless they reach out and ask for it. Make an appointment and talk to a mental health professional. Admitting your thoughts out loud is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do, but it’s a lot less difficult than hurting somebody and later having everybody you know find out that you’ve done it.

6 | Compliment her smile, her sense of humor, or her intelligence

I’ve heard a lot of talk about how provocatively women dress and how it makes it difficult for men to control themselves. And you know what, I can appreciate that it’s not much fun for the guys who keep looking away and pushing down a hard-on. Here’s the thing: sometimes, women dress that way to attract your attention (sometimes it’s just because it’s too bloody hot). That is not the same thing as wanting you to have sex with them. They might find you attractive. They might want to feel attractive. They might want to be your girlfriend. They might just want to know that someone else wants to be their boyfriend. Regardless, we need to stop using sex as our measuring stick of what makes a person attractive. This isn’t a task that falls solely on the guys, of course, but this list is about what you can do. So, my challenge to you is to show her that you think her worth is in more than her boobs or bum. Because I know you do and she needs to know it too.

7 | Talk about the non-sexual stuff with your mates

This isn’t a short-term “in the moment of temptation” thing, it’s a long-term attitude developing thing. We need to get rid of this idea that relationships are just about sex. Every time you sit there with your friends talking about the girl you like and how big her breasts are, you’re reinforcing this idea to yourself, to your friends, and to the girl. Why is it any less masculine to talk about her shared interests (some of which you presumably share with your friends as well)? Let’s say you’re both into horror movies. Talk about how cool it is that you’ve found a girl who can appreciate your favorite film. Or a joke that she told you. Something your friends can appreciate that doesn’t make it seem like all you do is make out and fondle each other.

8 | Be realistic about yourself and your limits

It’s hard for a young guy (or girl) to have a lot of self-control when they get going. Don’t rely on your impeccable knowledge of when to stop, when a shove is playful and when it’s serious. Don’t rely on your date being ready to bring out a full-on scream for help to indicate that she meant it when she said “I think we should go” earlier. This might sound counter-intuitive, but privacy is not always your friend. I’m not saying go around having big public displays of affection in front of your friends or get them in to watch. I’m saying give yourselves an easy out. Plan your dates for somewhere others might walk past or hear you. If you’re both willing to take it further, you’ll both be able to move somewhere more appropriate.

9 | Expect sex to be good

Expect it to be with someone who is getting involved in foreplay, who is kissing you back, who might whisper your name. Expect it to be with someone who undressed herself, or helped undress you and smiled at you or kissed you while she did it. Expect it to be with someone else who wants to have sex. It will never be exactly as you imagined or the movies show it, but don’t settle for sex with someone who isn’t engaging with it.

10 | See sex as a gift

During one sermon, the pastor at my church said this of sex: “You can either see it as God, see it as gross, or see it as a gift.” Don’t worship sex like God. Don’t see it as something you deserve – no one ever owes you sex, not for buying them dinner, for helping them out of an awkward situation, for telling them that you love them, even for being married to them. Don’t treat it as a victory, an achievement, the meaning of life, or the path to your self-worth. But don’t treat it as something gross, something taboo, something to never talk about. That’s plain unrealistic and you’re setting yourself up to fail. Treat sex as a gift. Whatever your views about God, at least believe it is a gift from your partner. It’s something they don’t have to give you. Giving a gift to someone should feel good. Accept a gift that’s given to you with dignity and politeness. Treat sex as a gift – one you both give and receive.

Parents, talk to your kids. By all means, teach them to travel safely, to watch what they’re drinking, to dress modestly. But make sure you also teach them to respect people, to know when things are getting out of hand, to see themselves and each other as deserving of better.