10 Things You'd Actually Be Excited to Find in Your Baby's Diaper
Babies are adorable. Poop is gross.
Changing diapers, onesies, sleepers, rompers, sheets, socks, shoes and whatever the hell else the baby poops in, on, and up is a seemingly never-ending labor of love.
Wouldn't it be SO NICE if once -- just once -- there was something in that steaming hot mess you'd actually be excited to find?
Like these things:
1 || Gold nuggets.
Obviously. You're already elbow deep in poo, just reach in there, get the gold, and wash it off. Use soap. Cool! Now you're rich! Well, at least you can afford a babysitter and a night out.
2 || A new iPhone.
In an Otterbox, of course. Because I don't think rice absorbs poop.
3 || A genie waiting to grant you 3 wishes.
A little weird, I know. But imagine said genie materializes AFTER you open up the nasty nappy, so you don't have to deal with a poop-covered genie. Although, for the record, I totally would. I'll take all the wishes I can get, fecal matter or no.
4 || Weed.
This generally already comes pre-packed in something water/air tight. Perfect. Although, you may want to talk to your baby about his/her choices.
5 || French macaroons.
Wait, actually, maybe not.
6 || A nice haiku.
Like this one:
Babe, you poop so much // Giggly wiggly diaper stank // Good thing you're so cute
7 || Free time.
OMG! LOOK! There's a whole extra day in Booboo's diaper! And you get to spend it frolicking around in a flower-filled, sun-drenched meadow wearing billowy white clothes that your kids won't even get dirty cuz they're being babysat by fairies who fly over now and then to pour champagne in your glass. Yes! ALL IS WELL WITH THE WORLD. Don't forget to Instagram yourself in that meadow though. #Blessed.
8 || Your sex drive.
Worst place to find it, I know. BUT SO GOOD TO HAVE IT BACK.
9 || A whole booklet of "Get-out-of-car-seat-installation-free" coupons.
Hell literally hath NO fury like a parent installing a carseat on a humid summer day. So, just rip one of these coupons out and the cops show up within 22 seconds to do it for you. While smiling AND praising you on your excellent parenting.
10 || Your dignity.
Hahahaaa! JUST KIDDING! Keep wiping the poop, bro. Oops, you missed some -- it's definitely all the way up her back. Ok, forget it, just put her in the bath.