12 Important Life Secrets Not Revealed in the Panama Papers
Where your freaking car keys are. (Check the fridge.)
Where your left your damn phone. (Check the bed.)
The value of your offshore account. Because it's zero. Because you don't have one.
What sort of terrible trauma drove Hootie & The Blowfish into country music.
Why minivans have built-in, state-of-the-art movie theaters, but you still can't get one with a privacy screen fully separating you from your numb-nuts kids at the touch of a button.
That, in an unexpected plot twist, Putin is actually a philanthropist/helluva guy who generously paid off all your debts AND bought you a lifetime supply of excellent health care coverage.
How it's possible that Carrot Top has more fame and money than you ever will. (But how, though?)
Why any of us ever tolerated Caillou. Like, even for one single second.
Why texting and driving is illegal, but it's still legal to drive and tweeze your billy-goat chin hairs.
Who, in fact, let the dogs out.
Where you hid that copy of Are You There God? It's Me Margaret
you stole in 7th grade.
Why the name of this scandal doesn't end in -gate, like a proper scandal should. WHY ISN'T CALLED PANAMA PAPERS-GATE? WHY?!
Pssst. Here's a taste of the 11.5 million secret files that have been revealed: Panama Papers