How to Grill and Swill Like a Dude: A Woman's Guide to the Weekend
Today is a new day! Today is a day of uprising, of unity, of revolution!
Today, women across this great land will claim what we’ve long toiled in the shadows to earn, what has always been just out of reach, what is our sacred birthright.
Today, we step to freedom and take our rightful place at that mightiest of backyard thrones — the grill.
The jig is up, grill oppressors! No longer will women run around organizing salads, doing dishes, changing diapers, greeting guests, and setting tables while you men stand – tongs in one hand, refreshing adult beverage in the other, calmly surveying your backyard empire – with only one chore before you.
No! No more! We see you there, relaxing and chatting with your buddies, regaling tales of the fish that got away, dreaming of old cars restored, and chuckling about yet another day of Bob’s hilarious office antics.
We see you there. Yes, we see you there, and we are on to you. We know what you love and why you love it. The fire! The danger! The sausages! And, of course, the glorious joy of having only one dinnertime task.
Oh, yes. We're coming for you.
Gird your loins, men! And by that I mean, bring me the pork loin! For, as you’re well aware, I am unable to leave the grill unattended to fetch it myself.
Therein lies the rub, no? And by "rub" I mean: while you’re in the kitchen collecting condiments, cutting watermelon, and making potato salad, please apply that dry-rub to the steak. Because, as you’re well aware, I am unable to leave the grill unattended to prepare the steak myself.
Is that not what you’ve taught us all these years? That a grill chef never leaves his grill? That, in fact, a man at his grill is not physically able to move outside of a tight 10 to 12 foot radius for the duration of the barbecue? That all other associated responsibilities – from child-rearing to side-dish preparing to clean-up – must be delegated lest the chicken be set ablaze.
Just how will this revolution happen? How will we, at long last, become queens of the barbecue, sipping our Prosecco, and gleefully socializing, while occasionally turning the kebobs or sprinkling salt?
Easy! Follow these 7 simple steps:
1 | Make the announcement.
Announce to all involved parties — this will generally include husbands, or any partner who has kept you down with their pervasive and hurtful grillism — that a new day has dawned!
Henceforth, YOU, yes YOU, will be manning — or shall i say woman-ing — the grill.
Expect to anger the masses. Never back down!
2 | Mark your territory.
After your announcement, go immediately to your grill and mark your territory!
This could mean anything from distributing your urine nearby, to decorating the grill with dream-catchers, to spray painting that beast with gold-flecked neon orange.
It matters not what you do, it matters only that you do you. This is YOUR grill now, queen. Be the grill queen.
3 | Have a barbecue.
Invite your friends and family over for a cookout and take your rightful place at the grill!
Stand in full power pose at all times — feet apart, arms akimbo — appearing sturdy, fierce, and unassailable in your new and honorable role.
4 | Fire!
Build and stoke a triumphant fire! (Or, you know, just turn it on if it’s propane.)
Either way, let loose a victorious cackle at the sight of flames, big or small, orange or blue.
Pound your chest and exclaim: ME MAKE FIRE!
5 | Make demands!
Since you can NEVER leave your grill unattended, you must immediately begin making demands.
Bring me the pork chops! I need more sauce! I’m out of booze! QUICK! TELL YOUR FATHER I NEED A KNIFE!
Ah, yes, bask in the glory of your power and freedom.
6 | Be vigilant.
Never succumb to trickery, for there are those who wish to sabotage your reign.
Stay alert and look out for phrases like, “Hey, why don’t you take a break,” and “Honey, can you come and show me how to shuck corn?” or even, “You do realize you’ll probably singe your eyebrows, right?”
Stay completely calm, even in the face of the weighty and unnerving eyebrow threat.
7 | Enjoy!
No longer will you languish in the confines of the kitchen while your grill oppressor breathes in that smokey air elixir, enjoying the camaraderie of friends, and watching a beautiful sunset you cannot even see.
No more. No longer.
Welcome, sisters. Welcome to your vast queendom. Welcome to your grill.