The sickest time of year is coming up. When I say “sickest” I don’t mean the slang term for "coolest." I mean ill. It’s the illest time of year. When I say “illest” I don’t mean the slang term for “best,” either.
We could be at this all day.
Flu. I’m talking flu. Let me state right now on the record that I am not on board with making “fluest” slang. Don’t do it. (But if you do I want credit for it.)
During this time of year people are going to have snot running, coughs exploding out of their faces, and sometimes intestinal issues. How do you protect yourself from this? Wash your hands … I guess. That isn’t really what we are addressing here. What we are going to discuss is how to prepare for the inevitable sickness to come.
1 | Do Kegels
I hear you saying I am crazy. Your evaluation is noted, but let me explain. When you have had a baby there are some muscles that go rogue sometimes. I call them the pee pee muscles, but I’m almost positive that is not the technical term.
When you have a cold in the winter and you're coughing the pee pee muscles can give out on you. I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus, but they let the whole system down by allowing some pee to escape. It’s bull. If this is your first winter after having a baby, do yourself a favor. Throw in some Kegels to try to show that area who is boss again. You will thank me some day, or more likely you won’t because you will never know what could have happened.
2 | Eat a bucket of ice cream
Do you know why you must make the sacrifice now and eat the ice cream? Because when the flu comes around and every one is vomiting, you will need that bucket. That will be the designated puke bucket and you will be so thankful to have it. Do the work. Sure you could use a bowl or large sauce pan, but the empty ice cream bucket is better. It’s what we used when I was a kid, therefore it’s the only way.
3 | Scotch tape practice
There is going to be a limit to the amount of sick time you can take at your job. This means that you will likely either come to work sick or come to work after being up all night with a sick child.
To prepare for getting through the work day on very, very little sleep I suggest getting right up into your mirror. Once there, take out scotch tape and practice different ways of securing your eyelids open. While you are playing around don’t be afraid to give yourself a scotch face life. It’s the least reward you can give yourself for being such an awesome mom.
Perfect this scotch tape makeover ahead of time. You need to be able to do this in your sleep because who knows? You just might be half asleep.
4 | Sound proof
Do you have the means to sound proof the house so you don’t have to hear those toys singing the same three songs over and over? If you don’t have the funds for that, the next best thing is to put them on the upper shelves. It’s best to do this before you get sick, because I guarantee that your child will find every loud toy in your humble abode to play with when you are not feeling well. They will find things that you swear you sold in a garage sale months ago. It’s like magic.
5 | Man law
Don’t get the wrong idea. “Man Law” is kind of like Newton’s Law, but it says that if you are not feeling good it is guaranteed that your husband will also come down with something. He will come down with something “worse” than you. There is no recourse for this except to prepare for this and practice your are-you-freaking-kidding-me eye roll.
Thank you for reading through the list. Please leave your preparation tips below if you have any. Make sure you let us know how amazingly well these worked for you.
Here's to wishing you a healthy year!