The Non-Starters of the Mommy Wars

by Mandy Waysman August 18, 2017

kid with mismatched socks

We’ve all likely heard and or even participated in Mommy Wars, but I think that they may be over as of this minute. I’m pretty proud to think that we have reached this point. I’d like to just give a quick butt slap and "good game" to all my fellow moms out there. Why do I think we’ve made it? I’ve seen very little shaming in the last 24-hour news cycle. (Well, except that one Kardashian thing. I’m banking on that being a fact for the next 10 years, so no need to update this article ever.) In order to celebrate our Mommy War survival I thought we would do a look back on the Mommy War exchanges that never were. The non-starters. The ones where moms really tried to get worked up, but frankly they just couldn’t work up the gumption to care. They didn’t have enough “even” in their “can’t even.” If you can read these in your best Award Ceremony Announcement voice, please.

1 | Are we ready for this jelly?

This is a split decision. Destiny’s Child says, and I quote, “I don’t think you ready for this jelly.” That seems like a pretty obvious censure on our coping mechanisms as mothers, and our ability to make sandwiches. Many felt that this was not a fair representation of our skill level with jelly when using it in combination with peanut butter or as a sole condiment on the sandwich. Still others, well, they were just too bootylicious to get involved either way. Thus a failed start to a ridiculous war of the moms. It could have been good.

2 | The mismatched sock agenda

This one did not get the press time that one would expect with such a universal problem. Basically there were the moms who decided to buy all white socks of the same brand in order to bypass any need for specific matches. Then there were the moms that dared to buy crazy patterned socks and (gasp) allowed their children to mismatch the socks. The chaos of it all was enough to make some clutch at their pearls. However, next thing you know Trump is President and things don’t matter anymore because he keeps finding his phone to tweet.

3 | Your child’s first language: meme, emoji or gif

This one received surprising little traction as well in the Wars. As we all know the Internet is nothing if not the Mecca of finding ways to express yourself with little to no actual words of your own. Therefore we have employed memes to snarkily portray the life of a mom and the struggles. In addition we now have gifs coming into the forefront. Which of these should be your child’s first language? That is the question. When we asked 100 moms, they answered :0 or *Kanye shrug.

4 | The Harry Potter House Quiz: Not the answer you expect for your child

This one hits a little close to home for all of us. What do you do if your child takes the test and gets Slytherin. Some felt that it’s something the mother did wrong in raising them. What if Hufflepuff came in there, but you really thought you had a Gryffindor on your hands? These questions were of the utmost concern in mom corners around the world. Luckily this one didn't make it into the war because everyone really wanted to deal with it privately. Families needed to come together to see how to cope. It’s the best we can hope for. Our thoughts and prayers to all that have been affected.

5 | Competitive ice chip eating: who did more?

We all know that a list of Mommy Wars items is never complete unless there is something in there about giving birth. To faithfully preserve that institution, I give you ice chip eating. There are a couple reasons that this one had to be retired. The first being that many healthcare providers now allow you to eat actual food and not just ice. The other is that when I tried to brag to other moms that I managed to chomp 15 glasses of ice in the four hours of labor, no one cared. Apparently when compared to giving birth intervention-free in a yoga warrior pose while overlooking the mountains, ice chips aren’t that interesting. Noted. That concludes our list of subjects that were considered for Mommy Wars, but were ultimately put to the wayside. Are there any you feel need to be reignited? Any that should have their flames fanned in the Mommy forums of sanctimoniousness? Let us know in the comments below.

Mandy Waysman


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