Revisions of Traditional Nursery Rhymes, for Modern Parents

by ParentCo. November 20, 2017

boy looking at electric outlets

With a baby

I'm a little teapot, tired and covered in vomit. Baa, baa, black sheep, why won't you stop crying? How many miles to Babylon? I'm going to keep driving until you fall asleep. To Babylon and back if necessary. Hickory dickory dock, the alarm has gone off five times and I'm not getting up. Sing a song of sixpence, a diaper full of poop. Four and twenty clean ones...oh god, I forgot to pack them. Let's just go home. Where, oh, where has my little baby crawled to? Ah, the power outlet. Of course. Round and round the garden like a teddy bear...stop, take that out of your mouth right now.

With a toddler

Mary had a little lamb, and no, we are not getting a pet. Crumbled hot cross buns, hot cross buns, one a penny, two…ah, so many restaurants have photos of us with the maître d'. Twinkle, twinkle little star. I'm not sure. Probably gas and rocks and fire and stuff. Pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold, the five second rule absolutely applies to yogurt. Pass me that spoon. Did you put corn kernels up your nose? Lavender's blue, dilly dilly. I'm not sure of that either. Well, I don't know everything. Let's Google 'dilly' and find out.

With a child

Here we go round the Mulberry bush, then straight to the ER for four stitches to patch that hole you made in your foot falling off the fence. That's a dilly of a cut. The eensie weensie spider climbed up your bedroom wall. Pass me your big book of insects. Of course it's not dead. I'm going to put it outside so it can live a happy life in the garden. No, you can't look. Three little kittens have lost their mittens, and you've lost your winter coat. I bet I'll see it on some other kid at school one day, and when I do, I'm going to demand to see the name tag inside.

With a teen

If you're happy and you know it, go outside. Don't give me that look, it's noon. Do you have any idea how many hours I spent singing to you when you were younger? Yes, this is a guilt trip. You put your right foot in, you put your clothes away...did you just put headphones on? I can hear the music, you know. I do not still think of you as a baby. Now please put away your clothes. And open your door. Your room smells. Sweet girl. I'm so glad I had you. Grateful even. Because you're lovely, that's why.


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