Valentine's Day is ALMOST HERE! OMG! Hurry up! BUY SOMETHING!
This freaking holiday. SO MUCH PRESSURE. Especially for dudes. YEAH, I SAID IT. Cuz it's true. No one cares what dudes want -- what husbands want, what fathers want. No one even asks. So we asked. And these are the top 5 things:
1. To Not Be In Trouble
Like, for any reason. But specifically, dudes don't want to be in trouble for fucking up Valentine's Day. These guys are working hard to reconcile pleasing you with feeling totally suckered into spending cash on a made-up holiday. Pro-tip: if there's something you really want, THEN STOP MAKING HIM GUESS AND TELL HIM WHAT IT IS RIGHT NOW. Otherwise, you best be prepared to love the shit out of that stinky-ass bottle of shower gel he picked up at the pharmacy when he was there stocking up on beer and nasal spray.
No, honey, really. It smells great.
No, really. NOTHING. Seriously. Nothing. Dudes want nothing. NO THING. This is not code for, "I want something." He wants NOTHING. He's not hiding the real answer from you. He's telling you what he wants. Update: IT'S NOTHING.
HOLD THE PHONE. What?! NO WAY. Yep. Truth. Wait though. Dudes don't want long, drawn-out, candlelit, rose petal, melted chocolate dripped on nipples, pretend we like taking baths together sex. (What? It's fine.) Dudes just want sex that goes like this: Oh hey, babe. BAM! You're having sex. Couch is good. Bedroom is good. Basement is fine. Car works. He just wants you to want him. Yeah, JUST like you want him to want you. So, ok then. Git that!
And you know why he wants time? TO SHARE A COMPLETE THOUGHT. With you! His true love! He wants to say a whole thing -- before the kids interrupt, before the next text message, before one of you stomps off in a huff to update your Facebook status, alerting your 800 non-friends that: VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKS. You know why else he wants time? TO TAKE A NAP. You know, a REAL nap. Not the kind that's half sleep, half guilt-laden insomnia. Not a SHIT I SHOULD I WAKE UP BEFORE I GET IN TROUBLE nap (see #1 above). And it turns out you want time too, am I right? So find, make, and protect your adults-only time.
5. For there not to be a Valentine's Day
If dudes could just burn Valentine's Day down, they would. It's the WORST.
The marketing is terrible: HEY, GUYS! Remember all the ways you consistently FAIL to be romantic every other day of the year? WELL, YOU BEST MAKE UP FOR IT ON THIS ONE DAY, BRO. Yeah, that's right, you better run. Run to the bank, that is. I don't know how to cancel Valentine's Day as a gift to your dude, but here's an idea: maybe just make it Big Lebowski Day instead? Everyone gets a new bathrobe and an excuse to lie around drinking White Russians! Yeah. Now THAT'S a holiday we can ALL get behind.