Everything You Need to Know About (Stealing) Your Kids' Halloween Candy

by ParentCo. October 21, 2016

Look, parents, it won't be long before your kids come home with a pillowcase full of candy. Do you have a game-day strategy? Do you know which candy you'll demand from your kids in return for giving them the gift of life? Well, do you?! No. No, you don't. You need to pull your shit together, and familiarize yourself with what's about to happen. You need to understand what kind of sugary crack is about to make your late night binge watching way more fun. You need to understand the candy. AIRHEADS: Weak name. Strong Candy. ALMOND JOY: Eat it. You’re an adult now. BUTTERFINGER: One of the four major food groups along with Sandwich, Cow, and Jungle. *source: Bart Simpson CANDY CORN: Not candy. Not corn. Pairs nicely with melancholy. CHARLESTON CHEW: And chew. And chew. And chew. And chew. And chew. BREAKING NEWS: you’re still chewing. CIRCUS PEANUTS: Because life is hard. GOOD & PLENTY: Not that good and one is plenty. GUMMY BEARS: Innovative use of industrialized feedlot by-products. Because gummy candy is made outta bones. It's not gross, it's a goddamned miracle. GUMMY LIFESAVERS: Hey, let’s take a reasonably good candy and make it TERRIBLE. KIT KAT: Because fractions. LAFFY TAFFY: No laffy though, just taffy. Because now your jaw is sealed shut. MILKY WAY: Snickers, now without the protein! MIKE & IKE: Hey Mike? Yeah, Ike? Let’s hang out and make mediocre candy. NECCO WAFERS: No. NERDS: Put the open end of the box in your mouth. Tilt head back as needed. PENNIES: Hey, I don’t know what to do with mine either, ok? But you know what I’m not doing? Traumatizing your kids with the promise of candy only to give them the sad remains of a nearly irrelevant currency. PIXY STIX: Why bother making the sugar into candy? POP ROCKS: Still not gonna kill you. REESE'S PIECES: Comes with adorable alien. Might have a Jesus complex. Wants to use your phone. SKITTLES: When you find them under the passenger seat six months from now, they'll still be fresh. Eat them. SNICKERS: Legit. SUGAR DADDY: ...is what you’ll need to pay the dental bill when you’re done swallowing your own teeth. THREE MUSKETEERS: Named for the bandits who stole the nuts and the caramel. TOOTHBRUSH: Might as well give out eggs to throw at your house. TWIX: For when you can’t decide if you want a cookie, or a candy bar, or a cookie. Or candy. Or a candy cookie bar. Cookie candy. Bar. TWIZZLERS: Plastic bouquet. Full-bodied sugary wax. Oily mouthfeel. WHATCHAMACALLIT: Did they fire the guy who named this candy bar? You had one job, guy. To figure out WHAT TO CALL IT.


ParentCo.

Author



Also in Conversations

baby wrapped in a swaddle blanket
The Pros and Cons of Swaddling

by Charlie Fletcher

If you’re a new parent wondering if swaddling is right for your baby, you’ve come to the right place. Here are tips for doing it safely should you give it a try.

Continue Reading

baby sleeping
Solving The Puzzle of Infant Sleep

by ParentCo.

In my practice of taking care of children and parents, there’s a common struggle in the first two years: sleep. “How can my family get enough?"

Continue Reading

baby going through drawer
Top Things To Consider When Babyproofing Your Home

by ParentCo.

It’s perhaps the most magical, exciting, and terrifying time of your life. You’re bringing a new baby into your home. That means providing the happiest, healthiest, and safest environment for your little one to grow up in.

Continue Reading