There are a lot of expressions out there about babies. You've heard them, you've used them, and now it’s high time to see how they stack up.
The mother of all shitty baby sayings. When people say they “slept like a baby,” what they clearly mean is that they woke up every hour drenched in sweat, urine, milk vomit, and shit, swaddled in a straightjacket, white noise blasting their eardrums, terrorizing the caring adults and pets nearby. Oh, and they’re shrieking hysterically. There may be head-banging. That’s what babies sleep like.
This one’s total bullshit too. Calling someone a cry-baby is sort of like blaming them for doing what’s expected, like calling someone a bricklayer while they’re just out there in the hot sun layin’ bricks. Or perhaps, more analogously, it’s like calling your pup a bark-dog. Pretty shitty little ditty, as Grandma used to say.
So 1) maybe don’t give your baby candy to be taken away in the first place, or at least not hard candy, 2) babies are strong as fuck and won’t let you just grab their lolly without putting up a serious fight about it, and 3) the only reason this isn’t a straight-up F is that the song that goes, "Come on, let’s fall in love, it’s easy/like taking candy from a baby" is pretty catchy even though both parts of the premise are wrong.
Yeah, that’s hard. Babies are hard. My baby is hard. No offense meant, little guy, it’s just that facts are facts. This one gets demerits because, well, it’s like 25 percent insulting to babies and guardians alike. Babies are also great, and holding them is cuddly and fun much (some?) of the time.
This is the real deal, people. We got a bona fide baby-related expression that has legs! Or should I say butts? Anyway, my baby’s little booty is absolutely the softest thing there is. It makes feathers and soapstone and chamois feel like the coarsest grade of sandpaper topped with rusty nails and shards of glass. My first baby’s butt was similar. The Institute for Baby Aphorisms finally got one right.
Not about babies. Still, good idea to let your baby know when it’s cold outside so he can be prepared mentally.
It takes a village!
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