Every Time I Try to Be June Cleaver, I End Up Like Joan Crawford

by ParentCo. December 11, 2016

A blender or dow maker , pink bowl

Birthdays really bring out the worst in me. It happens to be one of the few occasions during the year I actually look forward to. So much so that my unbridled enthusiasm ends up crushing my plans – in some of the worst ways possible.

Today is my daughter’s second birthday. Here’s a quick recap of how my celebratory endeavors turned ugly. Fast.

June Cleaver was my muse as I began the day by dressing my daughter up in some frilly pink clothing. (Truly out of character; I never dress her in pink clothing.) (Red flag #1.)

Dropping my daughter off at her school, I’m eager to get back to my kitchen to bake some cupcakes. I never bake. (Red flag #2.)

Back in my kitchen, I’m feeling zen as I assemble and combine my ingredients. I’m never zen. And certainly NEVER in the kitchen. (Red Flag #3.)

I start to whistle. (Perhaps the biggest Red Flag of them all?)

I place my cupcakes in the oven to bake, and I wait. In what resembles a 1950s housewife type of Valium induced fog, I find myself in the bathroom actually trimming my cuticles with a cuticle remover. I own such a tool? (Red Flag #5.)

Several minutes later (about 20 to be precise), I begin to smell baking soda and burning. Exit fog. Panicked, I begin thinking about how dirty my oven is, and my mind goes berserk. Have I cleaned it lately? If so, with what? Toxic chemicals? Did I use the self-cleaning option? Does that even WORK??

I feel my blood pressure spike. I have to bring these cupcakes to my daughter’s nursery school for a party in 45 minutes!

Borderline bonkers, I conduct a Google search on the heat of ovens and how they can vary from one to the next. I read that my oven is probably “normal” hot. Sigh. Thank you, Google. You are my church.

I breathe and then spot some sugar and flour on the counter near my blender. I missed a spot? I run to the cabinet and grab my trusty Method spray and take care of it, post haste!

The burning smell returns, this time accompanied by smoke and my detector’s alarm. I open the oven and see that the once happy, rising tops of my cupcakes have now fallen flat, hard and blackish. Oh, and I have about three minutes to cool and frost them.

I run into the bathroom again, flash blow dry my hair into a mangled frizz bomb, and sprint back into the kitchen; helpless but determined to salvage at least five cupcakes.

My daughter and her friends will have cupcakes, even if they are burned, damnit… and they’ll like them!

I place everything in Tupperware, and I’m off!

Just as I aggressively pull the door shut, I spot my keys on the table (about eight feet away from me). SLAM. Locked out.

It’s pouring rain.

As good luck in bad situations would have it, I spot an umbrella on my porch. I grab it with force and anger. My mind quickly flees to the image of Mommie Dearest grabbing a handful of her daughter’s hair as she screams; “SCRUB, Christina… SCRUUUB!”

I begin speed-walking to my daughter’s school, zig-zagging around puddles like a mime (I neglected to mention, I’m wearing the thinnest sandals I own), trying not to drop two awkwardly balanced Tupperware containers full of charred cupcakes. Smiling at passing cars, crying, and then, eventually laughing myself back into that lovely fog.




ParentCo.

Author



Also in Conversations

a father_with small toddler son in carrier in kitchen indoors at home
Baby Carrier Basics: How to Choose the Right One

by Kathryn Farrell

When it comes to baby carriers, consider your needs as a family. Different types will work best depending on your activities, preferences, and body types.

Continue Reading

mom helping son with homework
3 Tips for Mompreneurs: Starting a Business as a New Mother

by Charlie Fletcher

Juggling having a new baby and the demands of starting a company is not for the faint of heart. Here are three tips to help you follow your dreams.

Continue Reading

baby wrapped in a swaddle blanket
The Pros and Cons of Swaddling

by Charlie Fletcher

If you’re a new parent wondering if swaddling is right for your baby, you’ve come to the right place. Here are tips for doing it safely should you give it a try.

Continue Reading