So, baby, let's get real here for a second. Let's be honest for a moment, because there are some things that you don't know.
You probably think that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me and that you made me the happiest mommy on earth. Judging by the amount of kisses, snuggles, and the number of times I say, “I want to eat you because you're way too cute,” I can't really blame you for thinking that. It's mostly true.
But there's another side to it.
You do indeed give me my happiest moments and I'm having a lot of fun every day thanks to the crazy stuff you do. You also give me some of my most miserable moments where it all seems to be too much. Moments when I don't know how to handle it; when I'm so tired from months of sleep deprivation that I don't know how to survive my day at work or how to keep it together.
And you know what, I used to always keep it together. I was a strong person who could handle everything. Now I seem to be this emotional trainwreck who doesn't know anything anymore. Sometimes I just don’t recognize myself.
You give me a lot of tears of joy (before I knew you “tears of joy” did not really exist in my vocabulary), but you also cause me tears of desperation. Desperation because I don't know why you're crying this time; desperation because you're not sleeping, and since you're not sleeping, I'm not sleeping and I don't know what to do anymore so the only thing I can do is cry with you.
Desperation because my body still looks like I gave birth yesterday and I just don't have the energy to do something about it. Desperation because I don't know how this motherhood gig works and I always knew how everything worked! Or at least, I pretended that I did and I always got away with it. But this mom job is so difficult that I can't even pretend I know what I'm doing.
You give me my best days when the only thing I want is to quit my job so I can be at home with you all the time. You also give me my worst days when I just want to flee to the office and tell my boss that I don't want to work part-time after all. Full-time please, very full-time.
I want to flee because you're throwing tantrums and I don't know what to do with you. Flee because you don't want to do anything except cling to me and I just need a minute for myself. Flee because the house is a mess and I feel bad seeing how dirty your hands and knees get from crawling around. Flee because I don't know how on earth we're going to fill those hours until bedtime. Flee because then I could at least pretend I have it all under control.
So yes, dear baby, you have turned my life upside down – mostly for good and sometimes for bad. But the advantage you have is that with a big grin, a wet kiss, or a nice snuggle, I forget about the bad moments and the desperation quite quickly. So please just keep giving me a lot of those.
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