The ‘As Seen on TV’ Gift Guide for Mother’s Day

by Parent Co. April 28, 2015

as seen on tv advertisement with older couple on it

Still in the market for a Mother’s Day gift? DO NOT GET THESE.

Neck Genie Elite $12.95

It’s safe to say that no woman on the planet wants to receive a gift that “tones,” “tightens,” or “lifts” anything that’s “sagging.” Also, it’s unclear how exactly this device achieves such amazing results. It could be shock therapy. You’ve gifted a torture device to someone you sleep next to.

neck-genie-elite_290

Buy this gift if: you enjoy sleeping with one eye open

Gray Away $9.95

Here’s a better idea, big spender- how about an actual salon appointment? And see that face she’s making? That’s the smirk of someone who knows exactly how much arsenic can be effective without detection.

00374183-292653_290

Buy this gift if: You’re a cheap bastard.

Personal Pedi $19.95

Nothing says “I appreciate all that you do for us, your loving and devoted family” quite like a device to chisel her horse hooves.

personal-pedi-callous-remover_290

Buy this gift if: you want to find out how it feels to exfoliate your nether regions.

Jeaneez $19.95 ON SALE FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF $14.95

According to one reviewer, she would be “embarrassed to be seen with them in public”. She was talking about the pants. Fittingly, the statement could apply to her spouse. “Jeaneeeeez!”

jeaneez_290

Buy this gift if: you want every single one of her friends to know you’re an idiot.

Hurricane 360 Spin Mop 2 easy payments of $19.99

Oh! How thoughtful! “Never touch dirty water again!” If you purchase this utilitarian treasure for the mother in your life, assume that every salad she ever serves you from that day forward took a ride in that there basket.

p60062_500

Buy this gift if: you’re drunk shopping.

Zip Sox. A stunning double offer! 2 pair for $19.99.

The prevention of varicose veins does not a Mother’s Day gift make.

imgres

Buy this gift if: you’re wearing a cup and want to test its performance.

Eggstractor $14.95

No one eats enough hard boiled eggs to warrant this device. Also, most people were born with two decently performing egg peelers attached directly to the ends of their arms. WE CALL THEM HANDS.

eggstractor_290

Buy this gift if: You want to eat those disgusting things for the rest of your natural life (which won’t be long if you keep buying shitty gifts like this one.)

Hot Jewels $10.00

The metallic nature of this product does not elevate them to something more impressive than the temporary tattoos you get out of a skanky gumball machine at Kmart.

imgres-1

Buy this gift if: Your wife is 12.

The Reacher $9.95

Perhaps this is romantic if you’re an octogenarian. I don’t know. Otherwise, as a short woman, all this says to me is “I’m tired of my tallness giving me more work to do around here. Help your damn self.”

00293170-314231_290

Buy this gift if: you want a divorce, but don’t know how to tell her.

Long Reach Comfort Wipe $9.95

According to the listing for this item (which does exactly what you think it does), it comes with a return policy that is “unconditional, satisfaction guaranteed”. Hopefully this policy applies to whatever ties bind you to the poor woman on the receiving end of this abomination.

00296060-311723_290

Buy this gift if: you never liked sex anyway.




Parent Co.

Author



Also in Conversations

I’m That Mom Who Cries at Everything

by Erica Landis February 11, 2021

I cry happy tears every day, and I encourage you all to do the same. Let's all meet up in the tissue aisle one day, okay?

Continue Reading

Parents: You Can Play Hooky, Too
Parents: You Can Play Hooky, Too

by Parent Co. December 06, 2020

A couple of weeks ago, I woke up and began preparing myself for a day of parenting in quarantine, otherwise known as Extreme Multitasking: 2020 Edition.

Continue Reading

young mom with kids
To Build Your Child's Emotional Intelligence, Try These Phrases

by Parent Co December 06, 2020

As a parent, you are your child’s first teacher—responsible for their introduction not only to STEAM subjects, but also for helping them develop emotional intelligence.

Continue Reading