This is a submission in our monthly contest. January’s theme is “Wild.” Enter your own here!

Dear New Neighbors,

I see you bought the house next door and you’ll be moving in shortly. Most people get welcomed to the neighborhood with a delicious casserole or tray of baked goods, but my kids would just eat it before I could even get it to you.

They seriously want to eat every single night. Are your kids like that? I’m pretty confident that they don’t like lima beans though, due to the intense gagging and moaning when they are made, so maybe I could whip you up a batch of those. Okay, who am I kidding? I don’t cook. Would a can of them suffice?

Back to these said kids. We have five of them. Yes, I said that right. Five. I know, I know, we need to get a hobby. We could probably have more hobbies if we had a babysitter. Speaking of babysitter, do you like kids?

Anyway, they play outside a lot. Clothing seems to be optional. What is it with boys only wanting to wear underwear? Do your boys do that? You’re probably thinking of how crass that sounds, but at least they’ve learned that they can’t pee in the front yard while waving to passing cars, so I think we’ve come a long way.

They also like to wrestle all the time. Don’t be alarmed if you hear them screaming. I’m an E.R. nurse so they know if they come crying to me, they better have an appendage hanging off. Ain’t nobody got time for that, right? By the way, if you’re the betting kind, I would put your money on the little girl. She’s a savage. She put one of her brothers in a headlock once with a single, swift, ninja-like move. She may look cute and innocent, but as her oldest brother says, “You can’t trust that face.” No worries though. Just pray for the boys if they get her dress dirty.

Did I mention how much these kids want to eat? I honestly don’t know where they put it and I’m beginning to think I should just start feeding them my paycheck. We start off the week with a plethora of vegetables, fruit, meats, and cheeses. In a matter of three days, we are down to one can of spam, two and a half apples, and some rice. I know I promised you that can of lima beans, but I’m probably going to need to get those back. Okay, that’s rude of me. You can keep the beans in return for one night of babysitting.

Any-hoo, welcome to the neighborhood! On a serious note, we love Jesus, and friends, and our little mountain town. If you ever want to babysit – okay fine, hang out – we’re right next door. Just come on over, meet the kids, and make yourself at home. My husband and I will graciously run out to get some food for everyone.

It should only take us a few hours.