A Letter to My Self-Esteem on the Day My Pee-Proof Undies Came in the Mail
December 28, 2016
I know. I hear your soul crying. You’re only 46 and owning a pair of pee-proof underwear is outrageous and humiliating. But try not to let the gravity of this day weigh you down. God knows most of your physical self has already lost the invisible force war. Don’t let your ego bite the same dust.
Bladders are flighty organs. You’ll be hard-pressed to find loyalty in their relational DNA. We hear so much these days about irritable bowels. But forget all the fame IBS gets. You and I both know the bladder is a petulant child in need of serious scolding.
Here’s the thing. You pee your pants. So what? LOTS of women do, but most don’t have the chutzpa to talk about their problem. For crying out loud, do you think a company would make a $30 pair of pee-proof undies if a market didn’t exist?
Heck to the no!
Oh, a market does exist, Esteem. And it’s a big one. You belong to a silent majority and it’s about time someone leaked the truth.
Listen, I get it. The struggle is real. The affliction drips with irony, in fact.
The story begins with having beautiful children whom we love with every fiber of our being. They curate within our sacred womb for nine months, pressing and prodding every organ within the general vicinity of our uterus, i.e. every single organ. Our bladder feels the biggest pinch.
Over time our mom bodies begin to falter one part at a time, sometimes entire sections malfunction overnight. For some of us, once 40ish hits, our plumbing goes to Hades due to diminishing bladder skills from housing and delivering our kin.
These are the same kin who willfully abstain from using the porcelain God during potty training season. Our children don’t want or like to use the bathroom because diapers allow playing to continue through peeing. The joy and freedom of all-day dryness is foreign to toddlers.
Meanwhile, as adults, we want nothing more than to expel in a toilet, but instead succumb to piss-anting in our pants against our will.
Forget the paradox. We're talking about flea flipping karma here.
Don’t you get it, Esteem? You're being punished for your blatant lack of patience during your kid’s potty development! Remember the unrealistic expectations you had for your toddlers back in the day, the anger and frustration? Well, who’s crying now?
Esteem, I know you are feeling low and broken today. Your sadness is understandable, but don’t prolapse from your confident place in the world. In an attempt to ease your misery, I’ve come up with a pros and cons list of owning pee proof panties.
Absorb the positives as best you can and try not to let the negatives dampen your spirit.
PROS of owning pee-proof panties
1 | You now own conceivably the most expensive pair of underwear ever made. Props to you for having an extra $60 in your budget for undergarments. Holla!
2 | Considering the absorption guarantee, you will recoup your initial investment in eight-and-a-half months. Because an 80 pack of rapid-dry Always costs about $7. Two to three liners a day times 30 days in a month is just about one package, give or take leaks. So, your $60 investment divided by $7/Always box gets you to eight-and-a-half. Consider the turn an A+ commodity exchange.
3 | The trauma of going out wearing a pantyliner only to realize you forgot to bring extras will no longer haunt your soul. (Remember the time you were at your friend’s 50th celebration and your “only liner” reached full capacity so you had to throw it out? And remember how you then tried to refrain from significant movements, well, except for all the wine you kept pouring into your mouth? And then remember how you and several other friends decided to scare other members of your friend group by running through their yards in the dark and sneaking up to their windows?
Do you remember how running through the yard “liner free,” laughing no less, caused you to have that really bad accident? And how you had to make the walk of shame wearing pee-drenched clothes from your friend’s door to her bathroom – the same friend you rudely tried to frighten – and then wait inside for her to bring you dry underwear and pants from her closet? Honestly, Esteem. I can’t even. You only have yourself to blame.)
4 | You will once again be able to bust out your stellar dance moves at the club. No more simple side-to-side step moves with meek finger snapping to the beat. Now we’re talking full-blown twerking, Shakira style. Oh, wait. Nevermind. You’re too old for shakin’ it and clubbing anyway.
Sorry. Sorry. I keep forgetting I’m not really supposed to speak the truth in love in this letter. Eek.
5 | You will lessen your risk of having an aneurism every time you attempt to refrain from sneezing. Too many close calls for comfort!
6 | Your love/hate relationship with Ms. Always is over. Move over twisted sister. And weep while you’re at it.
7 | And the best pro of all – laughing is fair game. Loud, cackling, belly laughs are back in business. You don’t even have to cross your legs in fear anymore. Because we all know how awkward and obvious it looks when you try to cross your legs while stand-laughing. Ridiculous.
CONS of owning pee-proof panties
1 | We don’t yet know for sure whether the $30 wonder undies work. And we also have no practical case studies on what happens if Victoria’s real secret malfunctions. Therefore, a due amount of stress will continue during the first trials. Wine wisely.
2 | Owning a pair of $30 pee-proof underwear is surefire proof you have an incontinence problem. But remember what your high school “friend” just messaged you on Facebook, “The first part of recovery is acceptance.”
3 | If the undies do the trick, you might become a spokesperson for Icon Undies. The unfortunate sidebar of notoriety is the circle of people privy to your peeing will widen. But fret not because if you sign up for the newsletter you earn VIPee status. Check their website. Truth.
When it’s all said and done, your control issue is either a bladder-half-full or bladder-half-empty struggle.