I’m not gonna lie, ya’ll. I’ve been feeling down. And one of the toughest things to do when I’m feeling blue is to give love.
I can give pouty face and who-gives-a-damn and shuffling feet no problem, but love…
Unfortunately, my husband is home this week. (See, Bluesville is a lot like Backwards Town.) He’s been away five of the past seven weeks, so my heart should just be overflowing with love and excitement and ooey-gooey feelings of reunited partnership, but I’m having a bad week.
So what am I supposed to do?
The answer came to me in a Tweet (of all frickin’ places) posted by one of my favorite yoga teachers, Elena Brower. It said, “when in doubt, give more love.”
At first, I was annoyed by this trite-sounding notion. Like, ‘oh, of course, love IS the answer (eye roll)!’ But the words stayed with me, rolling around in my head like a riddle that I was determined to solve; in the back of my mind while I ate breakfast, appearing before my eyes as I brushed my teeth, even waking me up - I am not kidding - out of a restless sleep.
When in doubt, give more love.
But like I said, in doubtful times such as these (doubtful, snowy, FREEZING COLD times), I am not a love-giver. Well, except that yesterday afternoon when I sulked off to my bed for a sad girl nap, our four-year-old son followed me. My husband sort of tried to stop him, but I said it was fine as long as he agreed to rest and not play. The second that little boy climbed into my bed and arranged himself next to me, I was giving love like nobody’s business. We were cuddling and rubbing noses and staring into each other’s eyes and it filled me with joy and gratitude. I was positively bursting with love!
So I am capable of giving love TO MY CHILDREN when I’m feeling shitty. Ah, yes. But my husband, he doesn’t… what? Elicit it as easily as they do? Deserve it as much? Fill me right back up like they do? These are lies I tell myself to protect that stubborn part of me that’s choosing to wallow in the doubt. If I were to give my love freely to the man I chose to marry, he would give it back. He would take care of me. I’m just being sad and stubborn.
Ack! I hate it when I do that! If I don’t want him to come in, he won’t. I know this. And I do it again and again. Self-aware, therapy-loving girl that I am - I do it all the damn time.
I’m pledging here and now that I will stop making this mistake; that I will give love when in doubt and I will be a stronger, happier person because of that love. The riddle has been solved, the math checks out: when we give love, we get love. And, yup, it IS the answer.